1. Can we all just be honest and admit bae is the most annoying word ever?

2.Nothing gives me more joy than watching an asshole in a Cadillac Escalade hit a pothole with his $5,000 rims.

 3.Skeletor's jaw has more lifelike movement than Melanie Griffith's

 4.Why is it that all the people who have chain-wallets always look like they're the ones that are least likely to have any money on them?

 5.Beyoncé is the Oprah of music.

 6.If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance I would use The Force inappropriately.

7.The best part about the halftime show is I learned that Dan Klein could beat Katy Perry in a dance off.

 8.Think I'm gonna sell my services as a sherpa for explorers who want to scale the snow mountains in the Walmart parking lot.

 9.Time machines exist. It's called music.

 10.You don't need to reveal everything on social media. Leave a little mystery so people will want to find out how boring you are in person.

 11.I wished I loved anything as much as Taylor Swift loves high waisted pants

 12.Watching Americans in a self-checkout line is like watching lobotomized mice try to navigate a cheese maze.

 13.Price is Right still makes me feel like I'm home sick from school.

 14.How to take a selfie: 1. Please don't

 15.I wish I cared about anything as much as Taco Bell cares about shoving a goddamn hash brown inside a freaking breakfast burrito


good shit